Low self-esteem and 'Rules for Living'

At the heart of low self-esteem is believing that the negative core belief we have about ourselves (The Bottom Line) is true. To get around this, and help us avoid dealing with the negative belief, we have Rules for Living. These are things that we feel we have to do to prevent that negative bottom line to be true; whatever we need to do to prove that it isn’t the case.

[X] isn’t true as long as I do this.

An example could be someone has low self-esteem at work and believes that they’re not good enough. The rule for living is they cannot be criticised and they work more and more hours to stay on top of things and avoid criticism at all possible cost. Can you see how that might be unsustainable? Ultimately the situation that this creates is setting the person up for burnout.

Another example could be that someone in Education who has to get an ‘A’ on every test or assignment they or they believe they’ve failed. There will come a time when life gets in the way, it’s just not possible, and they spiral.

Rules for living are like escape clauses for avoiding the negative bottom line. They’re unique to you, something you have learned (and not challenged), excessive and often rigid and unreasonable.

When we break them, it activates our negative bottom line and we create cycles of anxiety and internal criticism that attack our self-esteem further. Even the threat of breaking them, of it might being true, can cause a lot of anxiety and stress.

The thing is that unless we challenge them they will likely stick around. In counselling we would work on creating flexibility, exploring what is “good enough” and gradually developing healthier self-esteem.

Take a moment to think about rules for living that you might have. What do you have to do or be in order to feel good about yourself?

If you would like to talk to me about working on your mental health, you can complete the online submission form or contact me directly at: mckellarCBT@gmail.com