Making room for grief

Grief is something that’s inevitable. We’re humans; we’re social beings. We build communities of people that we love and it’s distressing when we lose them.

Everyone has heard of the stages of grief, even if we’re not familiar with each of them. Originally presented by Kubler-Ross in 1965 as five stages, and later expanded to seven, they are:

• Shock and disbelief.

• Denial.

• Guilt.

• Anger and bargaining.

• Depression, loneliness, and reflection.

• Reconstruction.

• Acceptance.

These days we don’t typically talk about it as a fixed linear list of stages that everyone experiences as much as features of grief to be aware of, that can help make sense of the experience. But the sense of there being a list of stages that we progress through one by one persists in our capitalist society, with expectations of how soon we’ll ‘get over it’, back to ourselves and back to work.

It’s then tempting to see it as something that we can treat like any other task to get through; a, b, c and we’re done; we’re over it and back to ourselves. But grief has its own ideas and works to its own timescale. Holidays and anniversaries can move us backwards when we thought we were fine, and memories triggered by the most ordinary seeming things can suddenly hit us hard.

Fundamentally, grief needs to be experienced or we don’t heal. There’s no quick fix to that and if we push things away because they're painful, we’re only storing it up for later.

What part does counselling have with grief? It might surprise you to hear that in normal circumstances, it doesn’t. Grief is part of the normal human experience and it’s healthiest to allow yourself to process it. Keep yourself safe, well and supported, but let yourself grieve.

That doesn't mean that you're on your own. In Scotland there are a number of organisations specialising in grief support who can help, and I'll include some details below.*

In most cases adults will start to feel an improvement within a year of the death. If someone is still experiencing problems after that point, then we would class that as complex grief and that’s typically when counsellors would become involved to help.

I’ve heard grief described as “love, enduring.” and I like looking at it like that. The love we have for them never fades, but the pain of losing them gets easier. Grieving helps us grow around the loss and build the memories of those we love into who we are going forward.

If you would like to talk to me about working on your mental health, you can complete the online submission form or contact me directly at: mckellarCBT@gmail.com

*Selected organisations providing support with grief or bereavement:

• Cruse Bereavement Care Scotland - 0808 802 6161

• Samaritans - 116 123

• Breathing Space - 0800 83 85 87

• Petal - 01698 324 502

• Child Bereavement UK - 0800 02 888 40

• Held in our Hearts - 0131 622 6263