Coming Out (Not right now)

Coming out in 2025 is no big deal, right? No-one cares, and things are different from the bad old days of the 1980s and earlier when famous figures like Stanley Baxter would get married to avoid being outed.

The phrase “coming out” is used so frequently these days, it can be difficult to appreciate how much of a big deal it is to the person it’s describing.

Essentially coming out is telling someone about your sexuality or gender identity for the first time, and they may have previously assumed your sexuality or gender identity was totally different.

Things are improving in the media, but for quite a length of time there was a bit of an association of dishonesty with someone who was (for example) gay but not out, who was not being their authentic self with everyone else, and they had an obligation to be honest to the people around them. The tacky comedy ‘In and Out’ (not a favourite of mine) even treats this as a gag while the character’s life falls apart around him.

The reality is it’s a huge deal for someone even in the best circumstances. Their identity may be ingrained in how they’ve presented themselves in their life for years. They have friends, family members and colleagues, and as profoundly social animals, what they think about us matters to us and fear of possible rejection can be intense. How they view themselves as a person may also be affected (And this is obviously where counselling and other areas of support are important).

Depending on their circumstances, coming out may make people a target for abuse or violence. We’re relatively lucky in the UK that being gay is a protected characteristic, but in other countries you can lose your job, attacked or worse. Even here, a kid could find themselves thrown out of the house if their parents have a problem with them.

If someone is gay, it's not up to someone else to decide that they have to come out, even if you think it's for the best. It may not be the right time for them. It’s up to them to decide and that’s perfectly valid. Being an ally or being a friend means respecting their decision and being there for them when needed.

If you’d like to work with me on your mental health, get in touch by completing the online form or emailing me directly at mckellarCBT@gmail.com