O.K, now what?

When we come out, it can often be after a long period of us feeling alone, and one of the first questions we might ask is “how can I meet someone?”

When we ask questions like that, capitalism often delivers. Or comes up with something anyway...

There is a whole industry out there for arranging meet-ups; essentially finding someone to have a sexual encounter with.

These are sometimes used as a bit of a shorthand for dating apps, a first stop, particularly for gay men, who have come out and would like to meet other gay men.

The challenge with that is that there can be a mismatch with expectations and experience. Someone still figuring everything out might find themselves unsure about what they feel comfortable doing, or what they can expect from someone else. Aside from safety, there’s the risk of hurt feelings and damage to our self-esteem.

As a counsellor I often hear stories from clients with low self-esteem of how they would go through cycles of deleting all the apps, then eventually reinstalling, getting hurt again and deleting them all over again. They’d do this year after year and get nowhere.

People can go on to have long lasting perfectly valid relationships having met through meet-up apps, but generally speaking that isn’t what they are designed to support.

When it comes to safe places, places where you can be yourself and meet other people like yourself, there are other options.

LGBTQ+ organisations like the Equality Network, LGBT Health & Wellbeing and others arrange whole networks of local groups for members of the community to meet and connect with others in safe and supportive environments.

You can find these on their websites, sometimes divided by age ranges or particular interests. Sometimes these are secure online spaces where you can talk online, or links to local in-person groups and events which you might also find promoted on your local council website or FB page.

These in-person groups can be social nights, book clubs, sports groups, running groups and more. If you can think of an interest, you will almost certainly find a dedicated in-person or online group for people who are LGBTQ+ that share that interest. The core elements of all of these groups are community, safety, and validation.

As we explore our identities and develop more confidence about what we like and don’t like there are some common sense rules for keeping ourselves safe, but if something doesn’t feel right for you then that’s enough.

LGBTQ+ organisations, usually staffed by members of the community, represent us at our best. They are there to support us and help create safe spaces online and in person for everyone to thrive.

If you would like to talk to me about issues with your mental health, you can complete the online submission form or contact me directly at: mckellarCBT@gmail.com