The FIXER impulse
How many of us are fixers? If someone is unhappy or something goes wrong, we’re the ones to step up and find a solution. Typically we’re organised, decisive and people who crack on and get on with it and it’s on to the next thing in this .
In a relationship that sounds like it’s a pretty useful thing to have in the team, right? Well, not always.
I’ve worked with lots of clients in otherwise solid relationships, who are having challenges in this area.
A loved one is unhappy so the client jumps in to the rescue with solutions or a fix and it falls flat. Maybe even outright rejected, and that can be difficult for someone to accept. If we’re fixing a problem for someone we love, why can’t they see that? Why are they angry about it? Where the heck did that fight come from? It can hit hard.
When we love someone, we don’t want them to be unhappy. If they’re in pain, we want to fix it. So we jump in with solutions that will make it better, that will put out the fire, but what we’re often doing is not really listening to what the person actually needs or wants. Sometimes it’s not about fixing something, it can be about letting them be heard and validating their experience. By rushing in, we’re cutting them off, trying to fix the problem for them before they’ve even get out what they were trying to say, which can be incredibly frustrating for them, especially if they were already upset. They can feel silenced rather than helped; their perspective dismissed as the problem is “fixed” and there’s nothing to worry about now, right? Next!
What I try to do with clients who are fixers is help them recognise that the impulse is coming from a place of love rather than something they should be punishing themselves for, but we can appreciate that and acknowledge that it’s not always a helpful approach. With compassion we work together on tolerating that discomfort that someone we love is unhappy and allowing them space to tell us what they need at their own pace, even if it’s just to be heard.
It can be a difficult habit to break, especially if we’ve always seen ourselves as being practical and helpful, and it’s often connected with other issues with anxiety. Instead of being the one who jumps in with solutions, can we let the room breathe and just listen? If we recognise ourselves as a fixer why not give this a shot and see what difference it makes?
If you’d like to work with me on your mental health, you can get in touch with me via the website or directly at mckellar.scott@gmail.com
