What about men?

No, this isn't a joke (and isn't it interesting that our minds go there?). I was asked recently why men sometimes find it difficult to reach out and approach a counsellor if they're having an issue with their mental health. Why is that?

Well traditionally here in the UK men are not encouraged to open up if they're having problems. The expressions “man up” and “stiff upper lip” are all about supressing emotions and powering through difficult times.

That’s changing, gradually, and there are some excellent campaigns like 'Boys Get Sad too' making a difference, but it’s still part of our society even in the 21st century.

Depending on which part of the world we live in, or which culture we grow up in, there can be very rigid expectations about how a man should and should not act and how men are allowed to be.

Men are also traditionally not allowed to express our emotions (unless it’s anger or using anger to express other feelings like grief). Things like sadness or showing affection, or being vulnerable, are typically frowned upon and will sometimes be questioned or ridiculed. We may discourage that, but in the real world it happens and yes that's a pretty ugly double standard. So to avoid feeling ashamed or being humilated on top of everything it’s often just easer in a way to bottle things up and pretend everything is ok, until it's just umanagable.

It isn't something that happens out of nowhere. A man has grown up in that society with those expectations reinforced every day. It’s not just something happening today, it’s been happening for years and this can make it really difficult for someone to break free of what is effectively conditioning and ask for help.

An unfortunate trend in the media today is the rise of bad faith influencers who make a living out of giving boys and young men unhelpful advice on what men should and should not do and what men should expect out of life. These grifters are best ignored and they poison any discourse about supporting the challenges men face and taking men’s mental health seriously.

Even after the genuine progress that we have made over the years, men face challenges allowing themselves to be seen to be vulnerable and asking for help. Be careful of thinking “oh men should just get over themselves. This is really a symptom of a wider issue about how we treat men in society as a whole. If a man reaches out for help or shows vulnerability, let's be kind.

Therapy is a safe place to open up and be yourself. I've had a lot of success with "blokey" guys who would never have considered counselling before. If you'd like to work with me on your mental health, fill in the contact form or email me directly at mckellarcbt@gmail.com.