What did your parents not give you?

“What did your parents not give you?”

It was a question that came up earlier in the week in a supervision session* and it’s really stuck with me. It sounds so ominous, doesn’t it? 

Most people are aware of attachment styles, but our early experiences can have such a pervasive influence on so much of the rest of our life we can sometimes nod a general agreement of the principle and then get a surprise when we’re forced to face a difficult reality.

Our needs as children are pretty simple; food, safety, attention. Consider what the longer term impacts there could be as a result of those not being met consistently, or as well as they could be?

What is it that you’re looking for these days in a relationship, as one example. Is it an equal? Is it someone who helps you feel safe? Is it about you feeling heard and having your opinions respected? Viewed through the lens of trying to get something that we didn’t get as a child it takes a new significance, doesn’t it?

In the classic ‘Crimes and Misdemeanours’ a character describes love as an attempt to return to the past and remake the past; to perfect something important to us that wasn’t perfect the first time around. It’s very romantically put and covers much of the same ground. Does that fit your own relationship, or relationships in the past?

Outside of romance, if we weren’t heard as a child, if our opinion was dismissed, we can find ourselves with confidence issues and low self-esteem. We might find we react badly to criticism and start spiralling. We might feel that no matter what we do, we don’t think we can improve things if we get into challenges.

If money (and so a source of food and resources) was a problem in your household as a kid, then we might have a difficult relationship with money and bills as an adult.

It’s not about blaming our parents. They were human. Unless we were very unlucky, our parents probably did their best for us and, just as we do ourselves, lived in the times that they did, with all those influences around them telling them what they should and should not do. This is just about acknowledging what might be behind challenges that we face and helping us understand how we can move forward.

Looking at your own life and view of the world, how much of that might be influenced by your early experiences? What was missing that you’re looking for as an adult?

Counselling can help us understand what’s going on under the surface and help us identify what’s driving us and make decisions that better support us and our needs.

If you’d like to work with me on your mental health, you can get in touch with me via the website or drop me a message directly at mckellarcbt@gmail.com

* (a session with a very senior counsellor who provides other counsellors with advice and support).