What do I need right now?

Legend of UK comedy and now mental health advocate* Ruby Wax once asked ‘How do you want me?” It’s so easy to prioritise what other people need from us or how we imagine they want us to be over our own needs or what might be better for us. DC comics character Harley Quinn is a bit of a poster child for that behaviour and a journey out of it. For a lot of us this can be a habit and maybe even one that we’re not even sure how it started, but we know that we do it. And we know that it bothers us and give ourselves a hard time about it. Why do I do this? Why can’t I just be myself?

I want to suggest you try something new. Instead of focusing on what other people might want from us in a given situation, we check in with ourselves and ask “What do I need right now?”

Before I go on, I want to make it clear that this is a separate situation to someone being in a caregiver role, including being a parent to non adult children. Where we have a vulnerable dependant of course we look after them., and to help us do that it’s important that we look after ourselves and are aware of our own needs.  What I’m getting at today though is that habit of changing ourselves and putting aside what we need to suit what we think someone else wants from us or needs from us.

It’s something that can start in childhood. We don’t want to be rejected, no-one does. So we do whatever we need to do to feel accepted, pushing aside our own uniqueness to suit someone else. If that’s not something we address as we grow up, it can become a habit. It can become part of how we deal with the world, chipping away our identity until we’re not sure who we really are or what we want.

This can be a particular issue if we struggle with self confidence and it can cause us a lot of anxiety to try to predict how we think someone wants us to respond.

Practice it over the next few days. Check in with yourself and get into the habit of asking yourself what you need in that moment. As we allow ourselves to get comfortable with giving attention to our own needs, we can get more comfortable about meeting them, about looking after ourselves.

Trust yourself not to be selfish or a monster for asking yourself what you might want out what you might need. That simple question can really make a huge difference. You matter too. You deserve to take up space in the world and you deserve to be heard.

Try it with me: what do I need right now?

If you’d like to work with me on your mental health, you can get in touch with me via the website or drop me a message directly at mckellarcbt@gmail.com

* (Ruby Wax is the founder of the excellent 'Frazzled Cafe', a mental health charity that provides free online community spaces for people to share, listen and connect. You can read more about it and get involved here: https://www.frazzledcafe.org).